Weakness and frailty covered her like a blanket. She lay curled up on her side in her bed, too tired and weak to move. Somehow she saw me as I peeked my head in her door.
“Come in.” Her voice was quiet, and she actually smiled. “I’ve been thinking about you today.”
I couldn’t believe that in the middle of all this dear one is going through, she’d actually been thinking about me. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I fired off a silly one liner that went something like “Then you must really be having a bad day…”
She laughed as I came in.
“Have a seat.” She motioned towards her empty electric wheelchair which sat waiting for her next to her bed.
“That’s ok, I need to stand for a while.” I replied while I silently wondered if sitting in her wheelchair would be a Covid-19 health risk for one of us. I did have my gown on. I did have my mask on. It likely wouldn’t be a problem, but I stayed near the front door of her room and leaned against the wall.
She quickly told me she had had a terrible night. No sleep…too much pain, and a new care person who didn’t quite know how her unique pain med schedule worked. She had to wait for a few hours in pain before the more experienced day shift arrived.
Suffering seems to have followed my friend around a very long time. Her sister killed herself. Then her sister’s husband followed.
My friend shared on previous visits that she had left an abusive relationship that she had suffered in for years until she finally had enough and left.
Then cancer found her. A massive hernia as well, and doctors can’t operate because her body is just too weak. The operation to help her would end up killing her.
“I just hate you standing there with your back and all….” She said after she explained that her night care person was just new…it wasn’t really their fault that they didn’t know what to do with all her medications.
I blinked.
“C’mon..sit down.” She motioned again towards her wheelchair. A few visits before we had talked about back pain, something that she suffers with as well. I told her of one of my back pain episodes which had kept me off work for a week. Not complaining. Just sharing.
Once again I couldn’t believe my ears. She was in a world filled with pain and constant discomfort. It was plain to see by just looking at her, but she cared outside of herself.
Impressed by her thoughtfulness, I decided to take her up on her offer and sat down across from her.
We talked some more, and she started to share about some of her hardships and difficulties. She wasn’t complaining. Not ever. Just sharing. She cried.
I sat there in her seat feeling helpless.
What would Jesus do?
God…what should I do? I prayed silently as I felt myself overwhelmed with how much this dear old lady was going through. So much wrong and not working properly in such a small and frail body.
I reached out for her hand, and she took it willingly. Her hand was warm and held mine with surprising strength.
“Would you like to pray?” I asked, reaching for the only hope I knew.
She nodded. “I would like to very much.”
She closed her eyes. We prayed.
I read her Psalm 23. She said most of it with me from memory.
“And even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil. Your rod and your staff they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4 – NIV version.)
We stayed with those words for a little, talking about them. Pondering them.
God is with us in the middle of our darkest valley. He walks next to us. Beside us. Enduring the darkness with us. Being there for us to lean on…ready to carry us when we can’t take another step.
She loves this Psalm. God comforted her through his words.
I don’t understand suffering. Not even close, but I have many friends who walk in it each day. Some of these dear friends live in angry bitterness as they live through each long and sometimes pain filled day. Hope feels like a joke and something they are beyond.
A God who walks with them through their darkest days?
Whatever. So what. If your God doesn’t help me, then why care?
Then there are others like the lady I just told you about, who remind themselves that God walks right beside them through these painful times….and they are deeply comforted. They find His peace, and can even step outside of their own suffering to care about someone else.
I don’t know where I’m going with this post, other than I wanted to express it. To get it out. To wonder in print about what happens inside us when everything falls apart and our lives are consumed with sickness and frailty.
How is it that one can see God next to them and find peace and comfort, while someone else can’t stand the thought and rejects it?
Remembering that God walks with me and that I am not alone in the darkness….ever… somehow brings comfort. I saw it settle over my friend. I too have felt it.
It goes beyond understanding if we are willing to let Him in.
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