I feel like I always fall for it: The nice face. The face that makes me trust you. The face that seems to say they need my help and appreciate it when I’m there. The one who even reaches out in prayer and concern when I’m needing a friend.
You actually remember me. Even in the middle of all your suffering, you still remember me.
That’s the face I see from you, and I can’t believe there is another.
Nobody can come in and see you alone anymore. There must be witnesses.
You said you suddenly feel like you’re the bad guy. You told your story so many times of being left alone, of not being helped when you needed it, of not being able to stand it when certain ones came in to help you.
You threaten. You shout. You accuse. You even drive the ones who are there to help you away – too being afraid to go near you.
Who are you?
Why am I so drawn in to help you that I fail to see your danger?
Why can others not involved stand so far away from you and spot the risk you bring?
Create boundaries around you. You can’t cross over here anymore. You can’t have long visits anymore. It’s our time now. And we leave.
The supports we tried to help you with have fallen.
Why?
I am struggling with this. A lovely person on one side – loving, caring, a hero of faith and endurance can somehow also turn on the ones trying to help.
Mental illness they call it.
It’s not fair.
I believe the crushing stories you’ve lived through and shared with me. I see your loneliness and pain, but where did the other face come from? How did it get there? How has it suddenly been able to dominate you?
Now I feel like I’m blocked. I can’t help like before. The walls are in place. Did you see that coming? Did you know what you were saying when you angrily accused and shouted?
I feel like I’m not allowed to help you like I used to. Is that wrong?
I feel like I’m not supposed to care as much as I did before because I’m somehow opening myself up to great risk. Is that wrong?
They say you can suddenly turn and accuse me too.
Now there are walls between us.
What would Jesus do with mental illness?
What would Jesus do in a clinical setting, where rules are set and expected to be followed? Don’t touch. Don’t help that way. Don’t care as much.
I can think of a few stories – the gospels are filled with them. The clinical setting: the religious club and their rules about who was clean and unclean. What was acceptable and not acceptable.
Don’t touch the leaper. That’s a rule. It’s for your safety to follow it. You break that rule, and you’re likely to suffer along with them.
Jesus touched the leaper and healed him. He was willing to help.
I am not sure what you’d do if you walked these floors, and saw these safety walls being erected.
I know you wouldn’t let the walls stop you from caring. Would you keep your distance, but reach out anyway? Would you keep yourself safe and help as much as you can?
I feel like we worked so hard, and we were actually making progress only to now be on the floor again. Pieces everywhere.
Melaney Pérez Feliz
I feel sad for that person with mental illness that doesn’t see clearly that you’re trying to help them…. they only know blame and accusation now… that’s sad… it’s a horrible place for them to be in…. but at the same time… you can no longer help those who don’t want help… even if they need it…. if they’re turning against everyone that tried to help them…. they’ll turn against you too!! Everyone who knows you will know that’s not good… they’ll know that you’re in pain… however they’ll also know you’re protecting yourself by trying your best to do what’s right… it’s not easy!! 🙁
Aaron Nelson
Yes, I am feeling so sad about this too. I don’t understand what is happening exactly or why. I sure want to. But it’s frustrating – to not know if you’re getting who the person really is, or are they pretending to be someone? Or is mental illness the thing that is causing the behaviour? I don’ know what is real. You got it so right: this is sad. Mental illness or not, there is still a person in there.
But you are also right, and I see this point too: you have to protect yourself while trying to do your best to do what is right.
I’m so happy to see you around here my friend! Thank you for dropping in. 🙂
Melaney Pérez Feliz
You’re most welcome!! I love reading everything you write! 🙂
Even if it’s something sad… you do have a great way with words!!
Melaney Pérez Feliz
Also… beautiful writing as always my friend!!! I love your way with words!!!