Stuck

The wheel chair squeaked somewhere behind me as I walked down the hallway, and that’s how I knew I had picked up a tail. Someone was following me.

I stopped and turned around, curious to see who was there. It was my friend Bill, and no…that’s not his real name. 🙂

Bill is an amazing guy. He used to run companies. He used to have teams of people reporting to him, and he was used to success, power and being in control.

“How are you doing today, Bill?” I asked as his chair squeaked to a stop behind me. He made eye contact, which is something he’s really good at, and then shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head again. Sighed heavily, and slumped back into his seat.

I frowned. It was easy to see that he was troubled by something.

“I didn’t sleep well last night.” He said eventually. “I didn’t sleep well yesterday night either. I feel shaky.”

He paused. “I hate feeling shaky.”

He looked down and fell deeper into the storm that seemed to be raging inside.

“Oh I hate it when I can’t sleep.” I offered, trying to see if he’d like to talk more about it.

He nodded. “Yeah…it makes me…” he struggled in silence for a while to find the right words, my friend Bill is experiencing dementia which has been slowly robbing him of his ability to string together sentences. “I feel shaky….all day.” he repeated. “I just can’t seem to get started.”

He hung his head, and was silent again.

We talked together for a good twenty minutes before I had to go. We jumped from topic to topic, and often returned to his insomnia and anxiety that seemed to be really bothering him.

I shared a verse from the Bible with him that has often brought me help and encouragement when I felt anxious and worried- Philippians 4:6-7:

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Two simple verses, but packed with some pretty powerful truth. We talked about what it meant to talk to God about our worries, and that ‘every situation’ really meant any and every one. He liked that.

But he was still troubled.

We prayed together, and he deeply appreciated that.

But he was still troubled.

It made me remember something I had read earlier today…

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.^[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction^[e]?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Darkness is my closest friend…

I read that today, and couldn’t get away from the last line. What an ending!

There was no triumphant victory to shout about.

There was no resolution to the writer’s problem.

Instead he found himself in the middle of the deep end. His troubles and problems flooding everything and everywhere.

“God, you are the one who saves me” he starts…..and now I wonder if he would also add: “aren’t you?”

He would also say, “Everything is wrecked. Nothing is left standing. Where are you?”

And it seems like he got silence as an answer.

A flood to be covered by.

Darkness.

I’ve sat in moments like that, how about you? It’s honest. It’s true.

It can feel hard to lift a word, let alone a worry up to a God you’re not even sure is there.

Where are you when I’m stuck? Where are you when my wheel chair squeaks and I can’t sleep? Where are you when everything I once thought to be strong and steady, is ripped out from under me?

Where are you when I’m in ruins?

Sometimes darkness feels like our only friend, and there’s a period. A full stop.

I’m tempted to say something here. Something hopeful like: there is a next page. It might just be a hard one to turn. Or something like:

Psalm 88 is followed by Psalm 89…

…..both ideas are true, and maybe that will encourage you today.

But sometimes, even that doesn’t help and we just have to sit with it.